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Girl Talk: Intimacy with Your Spouse — July 19, 2018

Girl Talk: Intimacy with Your Spouse

As a teenage girl growing up in the 80’s it was pretty awesome.  There were a lot of independent role models.  The icons of the 80s were Madonna, Janet Jackson and Alyssa Milano to name a few.  These women were teaching us that we were strong, independent women who didn’t need men.  That we were in control.  However; those of us who were married were being taught that we were the ones in control and that everything is up to us.  And that means even the “chicka chicka boom boom”.

This philosophy may look good on paper and sound really empowering but this thinking, I believe, created a lot more dysfunctional marriages and broken homes.  Women decided that men were just another fixture only there for our needs.  No mention of their needs.

In the early 90s there was another icon I started listening to; that was Dr. Laura.  She taught me how important it was to want to have intimacy in my marriage.  Our spouses are not there to serve us.  They are there to be loved by us.  To care for them and respect them and appreciate who they are, not to change them.  Once we release the stress of wanting to control who they are and learn to love them, then the relationship can go so much further.

We do not only need to have sex when we feel like it.  What usually makes us not want to feel like it, is us.  We tell ourselves how tired we are, how busy we are, how unattractive we feel.  We fool ourselves into thinking that if we don’t feel like it, we don’t have to worry about our partner.  That is such a selfish thought.  Being close to your spouse in such an intimate manner is one of the blessing we have in life.  If you feel that you are telling yourself that you’re tired, that only you matter, etc., then you need to decide how important a happy marriage is to you.  If your spouse is wanting sex and at that particular time you aren’t feeling like it, then change your thoughts.  Put on music that makes you feel happy and sassy.  Dress up, do your hair and makeup.  If being funny and humorous can get you in the mood do that.  This will dramatically change your marriage.  If you don’t believe me; challenge yourself to try this over the next few months, but you will also have to change your thinking about your whole relationship no just when you are being intimate.

The status of your relationship is all in your mind.  If you want a fabulous relationship all you have to do is think it.

If you would like to experience a relationship coaching session click here to schedule – https://calendly.com/livepositivelc/relationship-coaching.

Live Positive My Friends!!

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The Makings of a Great Relationship. — July 13, 2018

The Makings of a Great Relationship.

Marriage is not always sunshine and roses.  Neither was it meant to be.  Just like in life there is going to be positive and negative.  What makes a good marriage is working through the negative and accepting the it.  Understanding what is making it negative.  What is making it negative or bad is the thinking you have behind it.

I am on my second marriage and I choose to be happy in this marriage.  Not by making up things that don’t exist but by not making him be the person I want him to become.  I married him because I love who he is, why would I want to change that?

Just the other night there was a topic that I enjoy discussing but he doesn’t really want to talk about it.  I could have made a big deal about it and made him feel bad for not feeling my need to express myself.  I could have used this moment to criticize and point out all the things he is doing wrong.  But you know what, there isn’t anything he is doing wrong.

I am letting him be him.  I could choose to look at my marriage and my husband and find everything that I believe to be wrong with him or I could look at my marriage and my husband and see everything that is right about him.

The next time you are feeling like your spouse/partner is not living up to what you thought marriage would be, look at your thoughts you are having and do a love fest on them.  What do I mean by a love fest?  Write down everything you love about your spouse/partner and you will feel a change in how you feel and the direction of your marriage.

Here is my love fest on my husband:

  • I love the way he is concerned about my feelings (even though he has not control) 😊
  • I love the way he laughs
  • I love the effort he puts in with caring for our dogs and making sure they have good nutrition
  • I love his body
  • I love how he smells
  • I love how he takes care of himself and takes pride in the way he looks
  • I love how he takes care of my vehicle for me
  • I love how he makes sure I get to visit my children
  • I love the he snuggles with me
  • I love how he still opens the door for me

I could go on and on, but you understand what a love fest is, and I challenge you to write down 10 things you can love on about your partner.

If you want to make your relationship stronger schedule your complimentary session today, https://calendly.com/livepositivelc/relationship-coaching.

Live Positive My Friends!

Lessons Learned from My Divorce — July 6, 2018

Lessons Learned from My Divorce

I understand there are a lot of emotions that are swirling around like a hurricane in your mind and body when you are going through a divorce.  I have been there.  I was very emotional from being sad to being angry.   There was a lot of insecurity of what was next and a lot of fear of being on my own.

Now that I am years separated from my divorce I can look back and see the lessons that I have learned.  These lessons had more to do with me than him.  I never looked at my ex-husband with hate and vindictiveness.  I always looked at the divorce as we out grew our relationship.  I will have people who read this and will start giving reasons why their divorce is different than mine and will start giving me proof of why they hate their ex and how bad of a person he/she is or was to them.  I am not discrediting what happened in anyone’s life, but I will give to you the ability to be free from hating.  When you can look back and realize first off there was a time in your life that you loved this person who you now look at with disgust.  This feeling of disgust and anger is not affecting him/her, it is affecting you, and not in a good way.

Lesson #1:  Be responsible for your own feelings.  If you are feeling anger and hate in your body and mind this is being generated from you, not your ex-spouse, ex-partner or ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

The next part of this I want to share is the introspection I did on myself.  A relationship takes two people to create.  I can look back on my relationship and see where I could grow from how I conducted myself in the relationship.  Again, I am going to have people telling me their story of how their spouse cheated on them or how their spouse was abusive, etc.  I am not de-valuing what happened in your relationship.  But is there a way you could have handled it better for yourself, for your children (if it applies), is there something that you can take and grow as a person, without having the negative thoughts and feelings that are associated with your relationship.

Lesson #2: This lesson came from taking responsibility for my thinking and actions in the relationship.  I can now use this information today in every type of relationship I am apart of today.  I am not responsible for any other person’s feelings but my own.  I cannot control any other person but myself.  I start this lesson out with this statement because this was a biggest part of my marriage and my divorce.  I assumed my husband was unhappy and wasn’t communicating with me and these thoughts created a lot of frustration for me.  Here I was assuming what my husband was feeling, and even if he was unhappy it had more to do with him than me.  As far as him not being a person that I felt wasn’t a person that was able to communicate, I should have allowed him to be that person.  And last, his happiness had nothing to do with my happiness.  I learned I create my own reality.  As part of this lesson do not have expectations for your partner.  This is a big topic to get into in this blog but believe me it doesn’t help anyone to expect them to make you happy.

With all of that said.  If I would have concentrated on the part of life that I had complete control over, which was myself, I could have turned my marriage around.  I could have created what I perceived as an unhappy marriage to a happy marriage.  That doesn’t necessarily mean that we would have stayed together.  I don’t know what would have happened.  But I would have created a much more happy and peaceful part of my life.

I also look back and know that I do not regret my divorce because for one I can’t change it, and 2 I would not have grown into the person I am today.

Lesson #3: It only takes one person in the relationship to change to change the relationship.  I know you are saying to yourself, why should I change, and they don’t have to.  Because you are the one that controls you, and if you are the one seeing an issue, it is in your thoughts, maybe they aren’t seeing it.  They may be completely happy, and you should join them.

I want to leave you with this last thought.  No matter where you are in your divorce, never, never, never use your children against the other.  Do not talk about your spouse to your children in a negative way, and about your relationship.  Usually the children are too young to understand what is going on and it simply isn’t their business.  There is no upside to destroying a mother/father relationship for your child.

This topic is so huge that it will take multiple blogs to cover everything.  But this is a good start to use whether you are going through a divorce or in a relationship.  These lessons can help you no matter where you are in your relationship.

If you want to schedule a relationship coaching session click this link today https://calendly.com/livepositivelc/relationship-coaching

Live Positive My Friends!!

Lost in Solicitous — March 15, 2018

Lost in Solicitous

 

Darkness, despair, lost, hopeless.

Can I ever please anyone?  Am I worthy of love? I try so hard to be perfect.  I will never be good enough.

Have you ever had these thoughts?  I have and more.

Looking at me from the outside you would have never guessed it.  I remember sitting at a stop light watching people walk in front of my car and wonder, “do they ever get panic attacks?”  “Do they know what it is like?”  Because you can never tell what someone is going through in their own mind.  I looked totally normal but never felt it.  I felt alone most of the time, I had one long time friend that I wouldn’t call, my husband and kids; other than that I closed out the world.

Anxiety was the reason.  I allowed it to take over who I was and what I was willing to do.  It was the boss, I wasn’t.  There was nothing I could do about it.  That was a lie.  Anxiety is completely within our own control.  Once you know what is causing it and solutions to it, anxiety can become something in the back of your mind instead of the front.

What causes anxiety?  Our thoughts.  I worried about everything.  How other people viewed me.  How they view my children.  Hurting my children’s feelings.  What could happen to my children.  Working and sending my kids to daycare.  Not working and staying home with them.  There was never a moment of peace in my mind.  That is what anxiety is; needless worrying.

How do you manage it?  Manage your thoughts.  If you don’t know what you are thinking it will be hard to manage anything.  So the first step is to look at what you are thinking.  Once you know the thoughts then place a value on the thought.  Use a scale from 1-10 how likely is it to happen.  Use 1 as not very likely and 10 very likely.  If it is less than an 8 let it go.  If it is a 9 or 10 figure out a solution to it.  What are you making it mean if it does happen?  Is it life threatening?  Most likely it isn’t.  Once you have given the thought perspective the anxiety will lessen or go away, until next time.

Remember this is about managing anxiety.  I am not a therapist or a doctor.  I am not promising anxiety will go away.  But I am a survivor and I have a completely different life today than I did even 3 years ago.

For more of my story check out my YouTube video.

 

 

If you struggle with anxiety and would like a complimentary Anxiety Management Session please click here or copy and paste into your browser, https://calendly.com/livepositivelc/anxiety-management-complimentary-session.

Live Positive My Friends.

It’s the big Weekend — February 2, 2018

It’s the big Weekend

Who are you going for this weekend?  If you don’t know what I am talking about it is Super Bowl weekend.  Whether you are sitting down to watch the game or just the commercials I hope you have a great time.  For me, I want to focus on the food.

If you have been following my posts you know I started a cleanse last Saturday.  I know, poor timing on my part, right?  But I don’t see it that way.  I don’t want food to be my center of enjoyment or pleasure.  I want to enjoy the event, the people, the game.  Or whatever it is going on in life at the time.

I just moved to Arizona and my husband wants to go out to a new restaurant to try out the local food.  And this sounds great to me.  There are so many choices that can be made that will still keep me on my cleanse.

Here are some tips on staying true to yourself and still enjoying life.

  • Order a salad (if on a cleanse avoid the dairy)
  • Order a sandwich or hamburger without the bun
  • Drink Lemon water
  • Order quinoa or brown rice with fish
  • Baked chicken

Don’t use food as your pleasure, use food for fuel.  Enjoy the company you are with.  Give your attention to your guest(s) and to your surroundings.  Sit back and listen to what is going on around you.  Put your phone down.  Have awareness in your life.

Whatever your plans are this weekend or any other time in life, plan what you will eat.  Focus on the atmosphere.  And eat to fuel your body.

I want to invite you to check out my podcast for more in depth information on not using food for fulfillment.

Live Positive My Friends!

Circumstances Are Neither Positive or Negative — February 1, 2018

Circumstances Are Neither Positive or Negative

Today I am going to talk about circumstances and how we, using our thoughts, make circumstances positive or negative.  Before I go into this too deep I want to say that even though it is up to us, there are some circumstances, that it is normal to choose to have a negative feeling.

What is a circumstance?  A circumstance is a fact.  Example: it is raining outside, my mother passed away, my boss said, “he is unsatisfied with my job performance”.  These are all facts that cannot be disputed.  The thoughts we have about these facts is what makes them positive in our life or negative.  If you enjoy the rain you are going to be happy and excited that it is raining and your thoughts will create that feeling.  The same actions take place with the other two facts.

The biggest thing I want to convey when I am writing this blog is not that you should always be positive, or that it is wrong if you are negative.  The main point is that if you choose to be negative or you choose to be positive, own it!  Do not live in a world where everything is happening to you, that you do not have any control over it.  Own that you are choosing to look at something in a negative light.  I would follow up with how choosing negative thoughts are serving you.  However, if it isn’t serving you but you are accepting that fact and claim it, then that is great.  Just don’t get stuck in a victim mentality.

In my podcast I share a couple of personal experiences and show how they can be viewed in a positive light.  I invite you to take a listen.

https://www.podbean.com/media/player/5wtn5-86351a?from=yiiadmin

Take your power and design your future!

Live Positive My Friends!

The Secret to Stress — January 19, 2018

The Secret to Stress

I want to talk to you about stress.  The definition of stress from dictionary.com is “a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances.” Or a humorous one that I enjoy is “The confusion created when one’s mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living daylights out of somebody who desperately needs it”.

When we look at the definition from dictionary.com is states the mental or emotional strain resulting from an adverse circumstance.  Breaking down that statement I would have to disagree with this definition.  The reason for my difference of opinion is because circumstances are neutral.  This definition makes it sound like the stress is happening to us, not that we are creating it.

I have a story to share to demonstrate what I mean.  I was talking to someone the other day and they were feeling a little stressed and short on time.  They were in the middle of a move and had a long list of things to still get done.  They shared with me that they didn’t know if they would get it all done in time.  At this point I took a moment to have them step back and see that thought they just had.  “I don’t know if I will be able to get it all done”.  This thought is what was creating the stress, the move was just a set of tasks still needing to be completed.  I explained that what they needed to do is get clear on what still needs to be done and create a to do list.  To take this list a step further they could put time limits on each task.  Once you have completed this step all the drama and stress will go away, and you will have motivation and empowerment in its place.  Anyone that is feeling stress can step back and look at the thoughts they are generating and breakdown the necessary tasks or steps that need to be accomplished to alleviate their stress.

Another part of this is what are we making it mean?  When we are feeling stress over a job for example, the stress can truly be coming from a place of fear.  We may be setting out to impress our boss, client or colleagues.  That may be where our stress is being generated from, we don’t want to let anyone down, or we want to control how others see us.  Here is the most important advice I can give you.  We cannot control what others think of us and it is none of our business what they are thinking.

As a health coach I bring this topic up because stress can wreak havoc on our mental state, health and wellness state and lead us binge eating.  If this sounds like you I invite you to click this link, https://calendly.com/livepositivelc/30min, to schedule your complimentary mini session to discover the secrets to your stress.

Live Positive My Friends!

Diet From the Past to Protocol of the Future! — January 18, 2018

Diet From the Past to Protocol of the Future!

I started my dieting journey in the era of low fat/no fat.  This diet was a lot of pasta, breads and refined foods.  If the label read low grams of fat content it was allowed on my menu.  Another aspect of this diet era was eating more often.  So, let me break this down for you.  I was eating a bagel for breakfast, carrots for a snack, a lean cuisine meal for lunch, some Snack Wells cookies for afternoon snack and to finish it off a plate of spaghetti with bread for dinner.

As I watched my fat intake I was always hungry and craving more food.  I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t losing the weight.  I was following all the advice and watching fat intake along with calories.  This was so frustrating for me.

Fast forward 20 years and I now know that everything I was told prior on dieting was all wrong.  It wasn’t the fat consumption I should have been the most concerned about.  Before I get comments correcting me, I do what to state, saturated fat should always be monitored and avoided if possible.  But there are so many good fats that get a bad reputation.  My favorite sources of fat are avocado, nuts and coconut oil to name a few.  The problem with my diet previously was eating too much and too many processed carbs.

Today I aim to eat a protocol of no flour / no sugar.  I do not count calories.  I limit my meals to twice a day.  I have a window for eating and that is between 11am and 6pm.  I no longer snack.  But I do have exceptions, planned leisure eats.  I do keep a food journal to the extent of the amount of food and types of food I am consuming.  With this protocol I have greatly reduced the desire I had for food.

I do not only help people create a protocol for them and work through their emotions, but I do it for myself as well.  I work through my emotions daily to understand what I am thinking and the emotions that are being created.  I then work through the process of creating intentional thoughts that allows me to create the best life I can.

I invite you to schedule a complimentary mini-session to discuss your protocol and what tweaks can be done to increase your results, click the link now  https://calendly.com/livepositivelc/30min.

Check out my video answering the question “Why do I crave the bread in the breadbasket at restaurants?” https://www.facebook.com/livepositivelifestylecoaching/videos/1579139312132106/

Live Positive My Friends.

Feel, Live Authentically — January 8, 2018

Feel, Live Authentically

I have lived most of my life thinking feelings just happened.  That I had no control over them.  And as these feelings “happened” to me I didn’t know how to deal with them, so I avoided or resisted them.  This was the path that took me to being over weight and hating the body that I had created.

We want to be able to only experience the good feelings and forget the negative; such as, sadness, boredom, loneliness, anxiety and anger to name a few.  These feelings can be accepted and processed.  Feelings come in both positive and negative.  You must have negative feelings/events in life to appreciate the positive feelings/events in life.  Brooke Castillo, Master Life Coach, taught me that resisting or avoiding your feelings is not the way to live an authentic life.  Feel your feelings and understand that feelings cannot hurt you.  Understand what you are feeling, describe what you are feeling and give space to it.  By doing this you are taking back the control of your life.

I would like to invite you to schedule a mini coaching session to learn how you can live your life to the fullest and take back the control over your emotions.  Click the following link, https://calendly.com/livepositivelc/30min/01-08-2018.

Live Positive!!