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Girl Talk: Intimacy with Your Spouse — July 19, 2018

Girl Talk: Intimacy with Your Spouse

As a teenage girl growing up in the 80’s it was pretty awesome.  There were a lot of independent role models.  The icons of the 80s were Madonna, Janet Jackson and Alyssa Milano to name a few.  These women were teaching us that we were strong, independent women who didn’t need men.  That we were in control.  However; those of us who were married were being taught that we were the ones in control and that everything is up to us.  And that means even the “chicka chicka boom boom”.

This philosophy may look good on paper and sound really empowering but this thinking, I believe, created a lot more dysfunctional marriages and broken homes.  Women decided that men were just another fixture only there for our needs.  No mention of their needs.

In the early 90s there was another icon I started listening to; that was Dr. Laura.  She taught me how important it was to want to have intimacy in my marriage.  Our spouses are not there to serve us.  They are there to be loved by us.  To care for them and respect them and appreciate who they are, not to change them.  Once we release the stress of wanting to control who they are and learn to love them, then the relationship can go so much further.

We do not only need to have sex when we feel like it.  What usually makes us not want to feel like it, is us.  We tell ourselves how tired we are, how busy we are, how unattractive we feel.  We fool ourselves into thinking that if we don’t feel like it, we don’t have to worry about our partner.  That is such a selfish thought.  Being close to your spouse in such an intimate manner is one of the blessing we have in life.  If you feel that you are telling yourself that you’re tired, that only you matter, etc., then you need to decide how important a happy marriage is to you.  If your spouse is wanting sex and at that particular time you aren’t feeling like it, then change your thoughts.  Put on music that makes you feel happy and sassy.  Dress up, do your hair and makeup.  If being funny and humorous can get you in the mood do that.  This will dramatically change your marriage.  If you don’t believe me; challenge yourself to try this over the next few months, but you will also have to change your thinking about your whole relationship no just when you are being intimate.

The status of your relationship is all in your mind.  If you want a fabulous relationship all you have to do is think it.

If you would like to experience a relationship coaching session click here to schedule – https://calendly.com/livepositivelc/relationship-coaching.

Live Positive My Friends!!

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The Makings of a Great Relationship. — July 13, 2018

The Makings of a Great Relationship.

Marriage is not always sunshine and roses.  Neither was it meant to be.  Just like in life there is going to be positive and negative.  What makes a good marriage is working through the negative and accepting the it.  Understanding what is making it negative.  What is making it negative or bad is the thinking you have behind it.

I am on my second marriage and I choose to be happy in this marriage.  Not by making up things that don’t exist but by not making him be the person I want him to become.  I married him because I love who he is, why would I want to change that?

Just the other night there was a topic that I enjoy discussing but he doesn’t really want to talk about it.  I could have made a big deal about it and made him feel bad for not feeling my need to express myself.  I could have used this moment to criticize and point out all the things he is doing wrong.  But you know what, there isn’t anything he is doing wrong.

I am letting him be him.  I could choose to look at my marriage and my husband and find everything that I believe to be wrong with him or I could look at my marriage and my husband and see everything that is right about him.

The next time you are feeling like your spouse/partner is not living up to what you thought marriage would be, look at your thoughts you are having and do a love fest on them.  What do I mean by a love fest?  Write down everything you love about your spouse/partner and you will feel a change in how you feel and the direction of your marriage.

Here is my love fest on my husband:

  • I love the way he is concerned about my feelings (even though he has not control) 😊
  • I love the way he laughs
  • I love the effort he puts in with caring for our dogs and making sure they have good nutrition
  • I love his body
  • I love how he smells
  • I love how he takes care of himself and takes pride in the way he looks
  • I love how he takes care of my vehicle for me
  • I love how he makes sure I get to visit my children
  • I love the he snuggles with me
  • I love how he still opens the door for me

I could go on and on, but you understand what a love fest is, and I challenge you to write down 10 things you can love on about your partner.

If you want to make your relationship stronger schedule your complimentary session today, https://calendly.com/livepositivelc/relationship-coaching.

Live Positive My Friends!

Lessons Learned from My Divorce — July 6, 2018

Lessons Learned from My Divorce

I understand there are a lot of emotions that are swirling around like a hurricane in your mind and body when you are going through a divorce.  I have been there.  I was very emotional from being sad to being angry.   There was a lot of insecurity of what was next and a lot of fear of being on my own.

Now that I am years separated from my divorce I can look back and see the lessons that I have learned.  These lessons had more to do with me than him.  I never looked at my ex-husband with hate and vindictiveness.  I always looked at the divorce as we out grew our relationship.  I will have people who read this and will start giving reasons why their divorce is different than mine and will start giving me proof of why they hate their ex and how bad of a person he/she is or was to them.  I am not discrediting what happened in anyone’s life, but I will give to you the ability to be free from hating.  When you can look back and realize first off there was a time in your life that you loved this person who you now look at with disgust.  This feeling of disgust and anger is not affecting him/her, it is affecting you, and not in a good way.

Lesson #1:  Be responsible for your own feelings.  If you are feeling anger and hate in your body and mind this is being generated from you, not your ex-spouse, ex-partner or ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.

The next part of this I want to share is the introspection I did on myself.  A relationship takes two people to create.  I can look back on my relationship and see where I could grow from how I conducted myself in the relationship.  Again, I am going to have people telling me their story of how their spouse cheated on them or how their spouse was abusive, etc.  I am not de-valuing what happened in your relationship.  But is there a way you could have handled it better for yourself, for your children (if it applies), is there something that you can take and grow as a person, without having the negative thoughts and feelings that are associated with your relationship.

Lesson #2: This lesson came from taking responsibility for my thinking and actions in the relationship.  I can now use this information today in every type of relationship I am apart of today.  I am not responsible for any other person’s feelings but my own.  I cannot control any other person but myself.  I start this lesson out with this statement because this was a biggest part of my marriage and my divorce.  I assumed my husband was unhappy and wasn’t communicating with me and these thoughts created a lot of frustration for me.  Here I was assuming what my husband was feeling, and even if he was unhappy it had more to do with him than me.  As far as him not being a person that I felt wasn’t a person that was able to communicate, I should have allowed him to be that person.  And last, his happiness had nothing to do with my happiness.  I learned I create my own reality.  As part of this lesson do not have expectations for your partner.  This is a big topic to get into in this blog but believe me it doesn’t help anyone to expect them to make you happy.

With all of that said.  If I would have concentrated on the part of life that I had complete control over, which was myself, I could have turned my marriage around.  I could have created what I perceived as an unhappy marriage to a happy marriage.  That doesn’t necessarily mean that we would have stayed together.  I don’t know what would have happened.  But I would have created a much more happy and peaceful part of my life.

I also look back and know that I do not regret my divorce because for one I can’t change it, and 2 I would not have grown into the person I am today.

Lesson #3: It only takes one person in the relationship to change to change the relationship.  I know you are saying to yourself, why should I change, and they don’t have to.  Because you are the one that controls you, and if you are the one seeing an issue, it is in your thoughts, maybe they aren’t seeing it.  They may be completely happy, and you should join them.

I want to leave you with this last thought.  No matter where you are in your divorce, never, never, never use your children against the other.  Do not talk about your spouse to your children in a negative way, and about your relationship.  Usually the children are too young to understand what is going on and it simply isn’t their business.  There is no upside to destroying a mother/father relationship for your child.

This topic is so huge that it will take multiple blogs to cover everything.  But this is a good start to use whether you are going through a divorce or in a relationship.  These lessons can help you no matter where you are in your relationship.

If you want to schedule a relationship coaching session click this link today https://calendly.com/livepositivelc/relationship-coaching

Live Positive My Friends!!