I understand there are a lot of emotions that are swirling around like a hurricane in your mind and body when you are going through a divorce. I have been there. I was very emotional from being sad to being angry. There was a lot of insecurity of what was next and a lot of fear of being on my own.
Now that I am years separated from my divorce I can look back and see the lessons that I have learned. These lessons had more to do with me than him. I never looked at my ex-husband with hate and vindictiveness. I always looked at the divorce as we out grew our relationship. I will have people who read this and will start giving reasons why their divorce is different than mine and will start giving me proof of why they hate their ex and how bad of a person he/she is or was to them. I am not discrediting what happened in anyone’s life, but I will give to you the ability to be free from hating. When you can look back and realize first off there was a time in your life that you loved this person who you now look at with disgust. This feeling of disgust and anger is not affecting him/her, it is affecting you, and not in a good way.
Lesson #1: Be responsible for your own feelings. If you are feeling anger and hate in your body and mind this is being generated from you, not your ex-spouse, ex-partner or ex-boyfriend/girlfriend.
The next part of this I want to share is the introspection I did on myself. A relationship takes two people to create. I can look back on my relationship and see where I could grow from how I conducted myself in the relationship. Again, I am going to have people telling me their story of how their spouse cheated on them or how their spouse was abusive, etc. I am not de-valuing what happened in your relationship. But is there a way you could have handled it better for yourself, for your children (if it applies), is there something that you can take and grow as a person, without having the negative thoughts and feelings that are associated with your relationship.
Lesson #2: This lesson came from taking responsibility for my thinking and actions in the relationship. I can now use this information today in every type of relationship I am apart of today. I am not responsible for any other person’s feelings but my own. I cannot control any other person but myself. I start this lesson out with this statement because this was a biggest part of my marriage and my divorce. I assumed my husband was unhappy and wasn’t communicating with me and these thoughts created a lot of frustration for me. Here I was assuming what my husband was feeling, and even if he was unhappy it had more to do with him than me. As far as him not being a person that I felt wasn’t a person that was able to communicate, I should have allowed him to be that person. And last, his happiness had nothing to do with my happiness. I learned I create my own reality. As part of this lesson do not have expectations for your partner. This is a big topic to get into in this blog but believe me it doesn’t help anyone to expect them to make you happy.
With all of that said. If I would have concentrated on the part of life that I had complete control over, which was myself, I could have turned my marriage around. I could have created what I perceived as an unhappy marriage to a happy marriage. That doesn’t necessarily mean that we would have stayed together. I don’t know what would have happened. But I would have created a much more happy and peaceful part of my life.
I also look back and know that I do not regret my divorce because for one I can’t change it, and 2 I would not have grown into the person I am today.
Lesson #3: It only takes one person in the relationship to change to change the relationship. I know you are saying to yourself, why should I change, and they don’t have to. Because you are the one that controls you, and if you are the one seeing an issue, it is in your thoughts, maybe they aren’t seeing it. They may be completely happy, and you should join them.
I want to leave you with this last thought. No matter where you are in your divorce, never, never, never use your children against the other. Do not talk about your spouse to your children in a negative way, and about your relationship. Usually the children are too young to understand what is going on and it simply isn’t their business. There is no upside to destroying a mother/father relationship for your child.
This topic is so huge that it will take multiple blogs to cover everything. But this is a good start to use whether you are going through a divorce or in a relationship. These lessons can help you no matter where you are in your relationship.
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Live Positive My Friends!!